i can't do this, please, God no.
i can't go through it all over again.
i can't take it, please, i'm begging you
i won't make it through if... things, go bad.
please, Jesus, please

it's been about ... 3 month since the king of pop's departure from this weary world and i would just like to say

Thank you for the music, michael.
the world will always love and miss you;
and you will always be the King of Pop, Rock & Soul.

May God bless your family in their grief.

how much can you love a person.
a person you've never met, add that.
how much can you miss someone
a someone you've never known, even
how much can you cry at night
over someone who knows nothing of you
but that you cry,
you weep,
you poor little thing,
for someone you always thought you knew.

Permanent.

Is this the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry

And everything, it will surely change even if i tell you i won't go away today
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary,
rest your head
I'm permanent

I know she's living in hell every single day
And so i ask oh god is there some way for me to take her place
And when they say it's all touch and go i wish i could make it go away
But still you say
Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary,
rest your head
I'm permanent
I'm permanent

Is the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry

i don't know why
i still get these sporadic panic attacks where i just cry and freak out over the accident.
even though the 3 of them are fine, out of hospital, back to their normal lives,
i still freak out. it's like some really delayed reaction.
just the thought of almost losing her too, i could have lost her
but i didn't right?
i guess God figured it would have been too much to lose 2 people in a month.
cause 5 months down the lane i'd still be hung up and crying over losing just one.
i hate this.

sometimes i wonder why everything happens to me
i know that's not really the case
but it feels like it.
how could two months of my life be so screwed up?
if God thinks i can handle it, then fine.
but what if i can't?
what if God thinks too highly of me and i disappoint Him?
i know He'd still love me the same
but i don't want to be a constant failure to God.
but at least i know one thing i'm good at now -
taking care of people.
it's honestly not that bad.
what i'd give to have her back so i could take care of her again.

urgh,
i want to like you
but in this situation, it's nearly impossible
cause i know that i'll never be able to commit
i can't give you the time you give me
and that's not fair.
faithfulness is another thing altogether isn't it.
i think i'd fail on that part too.
sorry

i suddenly feel just, really sad.
i don't know what the hell i'm trying to do
but i know i'm gonna pull through this cause i have God.
it's just so hard
but God would never throw me anything i can't handle
but of all things?
i feel like just prattling on about all the tragedies that have happened this year
but it would be so disgusting and self-absorbed.
i just hate this, all the silence.
i want to get over it but it's not the kind of thing you talk about.
i hate cancer. i just hate it so much cause it makes everyone's life so damn miserable.
like life on it's own isn't hard enough.
but i can't lose faith. God's here for me,

i remember feeling low
i remember losing hope
i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

one day you'll have to let it go
and stand up on your own

i'm not sure where i stand now.

Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

if this is the onset of depression it had better be quick cause i don't have much time left.
3-6 months. it's already reaching 2 and a half.
when faced with this situation, what do you pray for?
i guess this is why i still can't pray properly. my mind doesn't know what to pray for exactly.
so i just keep telling Jesus i love him. but i know it's not enough, for me at least.
i'm just so confused!
i really don't want to think about it.
and this is why i cannot be involved.
i don't want them being involved in this.
i think it'd be a lot easier for everyone.

back up, back up.
take another chance
don't you mess up, mess up
i don't wanna lose you
this ain't just a thing that you
give up, give up

hey, don't leave me.
i'm just really lost now.
everyone's leaving.
and it's just completely shattered my of this 'family'
that it's not perfect anymore
i always thought that we'd all stick it out to the end
you know, just keep holding on.
but first it was her leaving last year,
then she left too
and now you're leaving?
no, now you've left already.
it's not fair.
i want you to come back.
please come back, come back to me.
you didn't even tell me.
i had to find out through someone else.
and i didn't even want to believe it.
cause you made me feel like i wasn't alone
and that i wasn't going to be alone when the results came out.
but then you didn't show up
and i should have figured.
something was wrong.
do you know how terrible i feel everytime you don't show up?
i get so worried.
i cried on friday quite a few times.
and my heart's still breaking.
it's not going to be okay.

this sucks
it really does
cause my heart's breaking
and the worst part is finding it empty
i don't blame anyone.
it was really all my fault
but why?
why am i not good enough?
what did i do wrong for goodness sake?
i meant all those things i said.
i meant them from the heart.
but why couldn't they believe me?
isn't wasn't just some crapped up model answer that everyone else gave
i wrote all that from my heart.
and that's one of the worst bits.
holding so much meaning to something that just crumbles once it's in your reach.
why Jesus, why?
what did i do?
i know you love me Lord,
i know you love me,
i know you love me
i know you love me with all your heart!
i know!
but i can't do this right now.
i can't come to terms with my own shortcomings
i can't understand why
no, i just, i don't know damnit i don't know anymore
this isn't how it used to be
i can't see how to get it back to all that.
oh God,
what am i doing here?