i'm just so confused.
now i'm just wallowing. not in self-pity, but in murky water. the memories are like the little particles that swirl about me, and i can't hold on to them, i can't reach out and grab them without disturbing the water even more. yet, they surface and they sink, even those that i thought i had long buried beneath me. now i find myself recalling with such painstaking detail and accuracy the days leading up to her departure.
i shouldn't have read a ring of endless light, troubling a star and then the bell jar in such quick succession. i should have waited for the first two to rightfully sink in, like the always do, before deciding to move on so quickly. those two books mean so much to me. it's frightening. it's almost as though someone borrowed incidents from my life and wove them into a book, before they could even happen.
but the books teach me more than i could possibly have learnt on my own.
yes, there is vanity in a certain sort of kindness. it is the kindness that believes one can heal all hurts. there is vanity as there is naivety. vanity, because you believe that you could possibly be able. and naivety because you think that like all fairy tales, this will have a happy ending. but there is no ending. perhaps, as beneatha from a raisin in the sun would yell in anguish, that it is merely a circle that well all march around in, with our own little mirage of what we call the future. but then again, asagai corrects her by saying it is merely a very long line, as in geometry that reaches into infinity. if that were so, then it would be no better than the circle. for it would never end. and there would never be peace.
i do not believe in circles or lines. i do not believe our universe and our lives can be defined by complex formulae and geometric patterns. but i do believe it is more like nature. like the trees that strive and struggle for survival. in its twists and turns of fate, it will grow, it will flourish, it will thrive and be nourished. but it will also bend and break and it will wither "trees do bend/ though straight and tall/ so must we to others' call" but we will always grow dependent on the sun for life and vigour to face the day. that is why we have God.
"here is the deepest secret nobody knows/ (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud/ and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows/ higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide)/and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart."
but i am still confused. torn between being like beneatha or like vicky.
i shouldn't have read them in december. the month of the anniversary. the first anniversary. i wonder what we will do on that day. i should like to be alone for those days. yes, the silence will do us good.
