urgh,
i want to like you
but in this situation, it's nearly impossible
cause i know that i'll never be able to commit
i can't give you the time you give me
and that's not fair.
faithfulness is another thing altogether isn't it.
i think i'd fail on that part too.
sorry

i suddenly feel just, really sad.
i don't know what the hell i'm trying to do
but i know i'm gonna pull through this cause i have God.
it's just so hard
but God would never throw me anything i can't handle
but of all things?
i feel like just prattling on about all the tragedies that have happened this year
but it would be so disgusting and self-absorbed.
i just hate this, all the silence.
i want to get over it but it's not the kind of thing you talk about.
i hate cancer. i just hate it so much cause it makes everyone's life so damn miserable.
like life on it's own isn't hard enough.
but i can't lose faith. God's here for me,

i remember feeling low
i remember losing hope
i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

one day you'll have to let it go
and stand up on your own

i'm not sure where i stand now.

Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

if this is the onset of depression it had better be quick cause i don't have much time left.
3-6 months. it's already reaching 2 and a half.
when faced with this situation, what do you pray for?
i guess this is why i still can't pray properly. my mind doesn't know what to pray for exactly.
so i just keep telling Jesus i love him. but i know it's not enough, for me at least.
i'm just so confused!
i really don't want to think about it.
and this is why i cannot be involved.
i don't want them being involved in this.
i think it'd be a lot easier for everyone.