i'm down on my knees,
looking for a miracle;
just a reason to believe.

i need you to hold me tonight,
i need you to say it's alright.

God, can you hear me?
because i really need you right now.
i really miss you right now.
but i just don't know how to believe you right now.
please, help me. help me not to lose you.
i want to believe

oh fuck. just say it.
i practically hate you now.
you think you're so damn smart. and brilliant. don't you.
well damn you. all you were doing was thinking of yourself.
why do i even bother about you. it's time i go find other people besides you. stop making sacrifices for you.
i quit.

i feel like a terrible terrible person
a terrible catholic.
creation vs evolution
how does God expect me to buy all that about taking a bone out of adam and making eve.
i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
but i couldn't even stick up for God. what kind of lousy person am i?
why do i have to know the damn answer to everything? i don't okay? i don't fucking know or care how God created us or whether we came from fish whish i still think is absolutely retarded.
why do you people have to needle me and hurl insults at my religion just to feel all smart and be snarky. bitch, get this straight. i don't give a fuck about what you think about my religion or how i act.
i know what you think.
but you obviously don't know a lot.

why is it
that i ignore you or pretend i don't see you when i very well know you've noticed me
but you pretend you don't see me when i'm just there, noticing you.

Listen to the song here in my heart
a melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of meI followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I got to find my own - my own

wretched,
gutted
or just plain hurt.
i've never been played this way before

i'm not going to sleep tonight. i just don't want to.
because once darkness blankets me, i might just soak my pillow with salty streams.
why why why was i so ready to believe
even after all the others
why did i have to fall for this
why was i so eager to trust
why was i so stupid this time

i took a chance
i took it hard
and down here from the ground i see who you are.

i guess i was right all along:
pretty don't mean a thing.

can you please
shut the door
i think i need to cry
now.
i think i need you to leave
now.
so i can get you out of my head
and my heart
and my life
please, just leave.
or do i have to shut you out myself;
shove you out the door in a terribly uncourteous fashion.
i'll have to eventually but -
oh wait, silly me, you have.
but you could have (should have, damn you) closed the door.

i can't believe i believed this for a moment

sometimes i really don't get myself.
am i weak or am i strong?

i want to be angry.
not at God, but
at myself.
why the hell am i angry at myself?
it's not like it was my bloody fault any of it happened.
i hate humanity.

okay, what the shit.
i'm tired of this.
who ever said there had to be darkness and light.
it just is what it is. and i'm not going to be all weepy all the time.
i don't like this change in me.
so to hell with it.
i'm going back to being who i was.
i'm going to be who i want to be and not a result of a badly broken heart.

new set of new year resolutions for 2010:

1) live like you've never known death
2) love like you've never had it snatched from you
3) breathe
4) accept that death was what came and took away all the life in you. all this while you were wrong; it was death that happened. not life.
5) okay, now go get it back. and to do this, you chose to live;
6) live life the way you want to, live life so that you love it and not end up counting the days she's been gone and they days past till you get there too
7) accept that she is with you and to hell with those who claim elsewise. they don't know.
8) take control of your life again because it is still yours and death cannot rule you
9) take every chance to prove your existence and reverence for life
10) stop telling yourself you're never going to be who you once were. you still are that girl, burried deep down. just dig harder.

i'm not sure if i can do this.
i'm not sure if i can throw myself back into the rigour of school life and start out fresh and new.
i really don't know what is wrong with me. everything seems to be... lagging in me. like i'm moving through water.
and i keep writing random things that don't fit. they're all scribbles and when i'm not paying attention to what i'm doing. and suddenly i look down at my paper or sms and i see words that i don't even remember thinking.
but it's never going to be a fresh start. it's always going to be cast in shadow now. and i'm going to have to live with that.
be strong, be like vicky austin. chose the light.

i seem to be wondering a lot about the things i gave up.
yes, it's the "what if" questions
and most of them are the things i gave up because of this, what shall i call it?
problem? no.
inability? not quite.
barrier, chasm, blockage? erm, no.
heartbreak. but no, i don't want to call it that either.

i gave up a possible chance at love, in fear of another heartbreak.
i gave up the freedom of expression in the performing arts, because i no longer wanted to espress the things that bothered me; i just wanted to bottle them up.
i gave up my art - a subject, a form of expression, a past-time and once a joy - when the emotions finally took over and drowned me out of inspiration.
and now i want that all back.
i want to be who i once was,
i want to be what i once was,
i want to be where i once was.
i missed being called those things - a leader, an artist, a confident, out-spoken and proactive member.
but life doesn't knock you down so that you can be bitter and weep. it knocks you down so you can build yourself back up to where it wants you to be; where it needs you to be.
i know that was where i was supposed to be. i just don't know how to get back

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world

please don't tell me, it's not worth fighting for.
i just want you to hold me,
tell me it's gonna be okay.

you can't miss someone you've never known, can you?
i don't think you can love someone so much that it replicates that feeling of missing someone.
so it must have been my 4 year old self, trying to make up for the lost time, those lost moments that were snatched away from us; trying to imagine your reaction when i cried, picturing you holding me up, or at least looking at me and remarking on our similarities, seeing a smile spread out across your face - a face i don't even know.
but you weren't there.
and you weren't smiling
and you weren't even sane enough to see me,
were you?
somehow i don't want to know the answer to that question.
how thick is blood? i ask you.
it is thick enough, thick enough.