30

i'm just so confused.

now i'm just wallowing. not in self-pity, but in murky water. the memories are like the little particles that swirl about me, and i can't hold on to them, i can't reach out and grab them without disturbing the water even more. yet, they surface and they sink, even those that i thought i had long buried beneath me. now i find myself recalling with such painstaking detail and accuracy the days leading up to her departure.

i shouldn't have read a ring of endless light, troubling a star and then the bell jar in such quick succession. i should have waited for the first two to rightfully sink in, like the always do, before deciding to move on so quickly. those two books mean so much to me. it's frightening. it's almost as though someone borrowed incidents from my life and wove them into a book, before they could even happen.
but the books teach me more than i could possibly have learnt on my own.
yes, there is vanity in a certain sort of kindness. it is the kindness that believes one can heal all hurts. there is vanity as there is naivety. vanity, because you believe that you could possibly be able. and naivety because you think that like all fairy tales, this will have a happy ending. but there is no ending. perhaps, as beneatha from a raisin in the sun would yell in anguish, that it is merely a circle that well all march around in, with our own little mirage of what we call the future. but then again, asagai corrects her by saying it is merely a very long line, as in geometry that reaches into infinity. if that were so, then it would be no better than the circle. for it would never end. and there would never be peace.
i do not believe in circles or lines. i do not believe our universe and our lives can be defined by complex formulae and geometric patterns. but i do believe it is more like nature. like the trees that strive and struggle for survival. in its twists and turns of fate, it will grow, it will flourish, it will thrive and be nourished. but it will also bend and break and it will wither "trees do bend/ though straight and tall/ so must we to others' call" but we will always grow dependent on the sun for life and vigour to face the day. that is why we have God.
"here is the deepest secret nobody knows/ (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud/ and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows/ higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide)/and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart."
but i am still confused. torn between being like beneatha or like vicky.
i shouldn't have read them in december. the month of the anniversary. the first anniversary. i wonder what we will do on that day. i should like to be alone for those days. yes, the silence will do us good.

sometimes i feel like i'm drifting. and i'm not even sure in what direction.
take the analogy of a boat in a stream. the water now is finally calm. it's not rushing and meandering and pushing and pulling all at the same time anymore. just in one slow but tranquil direction.

but i'm not so close to my faith now. it's not as bad as it sounds; i still go to church every week, say my prayers and stuff. but i don't turn to God for all the good things as well as the bad. when i was grieving it was like i clung on hard, almost like how a little child would to a parent when they don't want to be put down; like a cripple needs a crutch. maybe part of me didn't realise how down i was that's why it seems terrible that i'm not longer talking to God almost 24/7. i used to talk to Him about everything like a best friend butnow it's like i don't always remember him when i'm having such a great time. i'm distracted. urgh. i don't know how to put it into context.

i can't do this, please, God no.
i can't go through it all over again.
i can't take it, please, i'm begging you
i won't make it through if... things, go bad.
please, Jesus, please

it's been about ... 3 month since the king of pop's departure from this weary world and i would just like to say

Thank you for the music, michael.
the world will always love and miss you;
and you will always be the King of Pop, Rock & Soul.

May God bless your family in their grief.

how much can you love a person.
a person you've never met, add that.
how much can you miss someone
a someone you've never known, even
how much can you cry at night
over someone who knows nothing of you
but that you cry,
you weep,
you poor little thing,
for someone you always thought you knew.

Permanent.

Is this the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry

And everything, it will surely change even if i tell you i won't go away today
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary,
rest your head
I'm permanent

I know she's living in hell every single day
And so i ask oh god is there some way for me to take her place
And when they say it's all touch and go i wish i could make it go away
But still you say
Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary,
rest your head
I'm permanent
I'm permanent

Is the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry

i don't know why
i still get these sporadic panic attacks where i just cry and freak out over the accident.
even though the 3 of them are fine, out of hospital, back to their normal lives,
i still freak out. it's like some really delayed reaction.
just the thought of almost losing her too, i could have lost her
but i didn't right?
i guess God figured it would have been too much to lose 2 people in a month.
cause 5 months down the lane i'd still be hung up and crying over losing just one.
i hate this.

sometimes i wonder why everything happens to me
i know that's not really the case
but it feels like it.
how could two months of my life be so screwed up?
if God thinks i can handle it, then fine.
but what if i can't?
what if God thinks too highly of me and i disappoint Him?
i know He'd still love me the same
but i don't want to be a constant failure to God.
but at least i know one thing i'm good at now -
taking care of people.
it's honestly not that bad.
what i'd give to have her back so i could take care of her again.