urgh,
i want to like you
but in this situation, it's nearly impossible
cause i know that i'll never be able to commit
i can't give you the time you give me
and that's not fair.
faithfulness is another thing altogether isn't it.
i think i'd fail on that part too.
sorry

i suddenly feel just, really sad.
i don't know what the hell i'm trying to do
but i know i'm gonna pull through this cause i have God.
it's just so hard
but God would never throw me anything i can't handle
but of all things?
i feel like just prattling on about all the tragedies that have happened this year
but it would be so disgusting and self-absorbed.
i just hate this, all the silence.
i want to get over it but it's not the kind of thing you talk about.
i hate cancer. i just hate it so much cause it makes everyone's life so damn miserable.
like life on it's own isn't hard enough.
but i can't lose faith. God's here for me,

i remember feeling low
i remember losing hope
i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

one day you'll have to let it go
and stand up on your own

i'm not sure where i stand now.

Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

if this is the onset of depression it had better be quick cause i don't have much time left.
3-6 months. it's already reaching 2 and a half.
when faced with this situation, what do you pray for?
i guess this is why i still can't pray properly. my mind doesn't know what to pray for exactly.
so i just keep telling Jesus i love him. but i know it's not enough, for me at least.
i'm just so confused!
i really don't want to think about it.
and this is why i cannot be involved.
i don't want them being involved in this.
i think it'd be a lot easier for everyone.

back up, back up.
take another chance
don't you mess up, mess up
i don't wanna lose you
this ain't just a thing that you
give up, give up

hey, don't leave me.
i'm just really lost now.
everyone's leaving.
and it's just completely shattered my of this 'family'
that it's not perfect anymore
i always thought that we'd all stick it out to the end
you know, just keep holding on.
but first it was her leaving last year,
then she left too
and now you're leaving?
no, now you've left already.
it's not fair.
i want you to come back.
please come back, come back to me.
you didn't even tell me.
i had to find out through someone else.
and i didn't even want to believe it.
cause you made me feel like i wasn't alone
and that i wasn't going to be alone when the results came out.
but then you didn't show up
and i should have figured.
something was wrong.
do you know how terrible i feel everytime you don't show up?
i get so worried.
i cried on friday quite a few times.
and my heart's still breaking.
it's not going to be okay.

this sucks
it really does
cause my heart's breaking
and the worst part is finding it empty
i don't blame anyone.
it was really all my fault
but why?
why am i not good enough?
what did i do wrong for goodness sake?
i meant all those things i said.
i meant them from the heart.
but why couldn't they believe me?
isn't wasn't just some crapped up model answer that everyone else gave
i wrote all that from my heart.
and that's one of the worst bits.
holding so much meaning to something that just crumbles once it's in your reach.
why Jesus, why?
what did i do?
i know you love me Lord,
i know you love me,
i know you love me
i know you love me with all your heart!
i know!
but i can't do this right now.
i can't come to terms with my own shortcomings
i can't understand why
no, i just, i don't know damnit i don't know anymore
this isn't how it used to be
i can't see how to get it back to all that.
oh God,
what am i doing here?

need to lose weight. drastically

i need to lose weight.
i hate my weight.
how on earth did i gain 4kg in 2 months?
oh damn.
this has to be a bad dream.
i'm so desperate right now.
i want to go back to being bordeline underweight.
not acceptable.
i want to lose weight
yet i keep gainning.
this is what happens when you get complacent.