i just want someone to prove to me that God still loves me. that he did this because he loves me. but i know i won't believe it.

i don't understand.

why me?

i'm not sure.
i think i like you. i really really like you. but then all so suddenly i hate you. i hate they way you make me feel and how you leave me reeling, wanting more, hoping for too much.
then i get knocked down again. it might be my paranoia playing out to make it seem like what it seems but it hurts. it genuinely hurts. after so long of hurting i'm finally healed and for some reason i want to hurt again. what is wrong with me? for you, is it worth that pain?
i should have withdrawn while i still could. instead i let this feeling linger on for too long and now it is going to bleed.
but this time i'll learn. hopefully, i'll learn to love someone worth loving.

i'm down on my knees,
looking for a miracle;
just a reason to believe.

i need you to hold me tonight,
i need you to say it's alright.

God, can you hear me?
because i really need you right now.
i really miss you right now.
but i just don't know how to believe you right now.
please, help me. help me not to lose you.
i want to believe

oh fuck. just say it.
i practically hate you now.
you think you're so damn smart. and brilliant. don't you.
well damn you. all you were doing was thinking of yourself.
why do i even bother about you. it's time i go find other people besides you. stop making sacrifices for you.
i quit.

i feel like a terrible terrible person
a terrible catholic.
creation vs evolution
how does God expect me to buy all that about taking a bone out of adam and making eve.
i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
but i couldn't even stick up for God. what kind of lousy person am i?
why do i have to know the damn answer to everything? i don't okay? i don't fucking know or care how God created us or whether we came from fish whish i still think is absolutely retarded.
why do you people have to needle me and hurl insults at my religion just to feel all smart and be snarky. bitch, get this straight. i don't give a fuck about what you think about my religion or how i act.
i know what you think.
but you obviously don't know a lot.

why is it
that i ignore you or pretend i don't see you when i very well know you've noticed me
but you pretend you don't see me when i'm just there, noticing you.

Listen to the song here in my heart
a melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of meI followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I got to find my own - my own

wretched,
gutted
or just plain hurt.
i've never been played this way before