breakable

2011-03-19T00:45:00.003+08:00

i'm not sure.
i think i like you. i really really like you. but then all so suddenly i hate you. i hate they way you make me feel and how you leave me reeling, wanting more, hoping for too much.
then i get knocked down again. it might be my paranoia playing out to make it seem like what it seems but it hurts. it genuinely hurts. after so long of hurting i'm finally healed and for some reason i want to hurt again. what is wrong with me? for you, is it worth that pain?
i should have withdrawn while i still could. instead i let this feeling linger on for too long and now it is going to bleed.
but this time i'll learn. hopefully, i'll learn to love someone worth loving.

2010-11-11T21:53:00.004+08:00

i'm down on my knees,
looking for a miracle;
just a reason to believe.

i need you to hold me tonight,
i need you to say it's alright.

2010-11-11T21:50:00.002+08:00

God, can you hear me?
because i really need you right now.
i really miss you right now.
but i just don't know how to believe you right now.
please, help me. help me not to lose you.
i want to believe

2010-10-15T01:11:00.002+08:00

oh fuck. just say it.
i practically hate you now.
you think you're so damn smart. and brilliant. don't you.
well damn you. all you were doing was thinking of yourself.
why do i even bother about you. it's time i go find other people besides you. stop making sacrifices for you.
i quit.

2010-09-09T00:04:00.003+08:00

i feel like a terrible terrible person
a terrible catholic.
creation vs evolution
how does God expect me to buy all that about taking a bone out of adam and making eve.
i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
but i couldn't even stick up for God. what kind of lousy person am i?
why do i have to know the damn answer to everything? i don't okay? i don't fucking know or care how God created us or whether we came from fish whish i still think is absolutely retarded.
why do you people have to needle me and hurl insults at my religion just to feel all smart and be snarky. bitch, get this straight. i don't give a fuck about what you think about my religion or how i act.
i know what you think.
but you obviously don't know a lot.

2010-07-31T23:58:00.002+08:00

why is it
that i ignore you or pretend i don't see you when i very well know you've noticed me
but you pretend you don't see me when i'm just there, noticing you.

2010-07-10T21:03:00.002+08:00

Listen to the song here in my heart
a melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of meI followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I got to find my own - my own

2010-07-05T01:29:00.001+08:00

wretched,
gutted
or just plain hurt.
i've never been played this way before

2010-07-05T01:08:00.003+08:00

i'm not going to sleep tonight. i just don't want to.
because once darkness blankets me, i might just soak my pillow with salty streams.
why why why was i so ready to believe
even after all the others
why did i have to fall for this
why was i so eager to trust
why was i so stupid this time

2010-07-05T00:21:00.003+08:00

i took a chance
i took it hard
and down here from the ground i see who you are.

i guess i was right all along:
pretty don't mean a thing.

2010-07-05T00:17:00.003+08:00

can you please
shut the door
i think i need to cry
now.
i think i need you to leave
now.
so i can get you out of my head
and my heart
and my life
please, just leave.
or do i have to shut you out myself;
shove you out the door in a terribly uncourteous fashion.
i'll have to eventually but -
oh wait, silly me, you have.
but you could have (should have, damn you) closed the door.

2010-06-11T02:07:00.001+08:00

i can't believe i believed this for a moment

2010-06-06T22:54:00.000+08:00

sometimes i really don't get myself.
am i weak or am i strong?

2010-03-17T01:21:00.002+08:00

i want to be angry.
not at God, but
at myself.
why the hell am i angry at myself?
it's not like it was my bloody fault any of it happened.
i hate humanity.

2010-03-17T01:07:00.003+08:00

okay, what the shit.
i'm tired of this.
who ever said there had to be darkness and light.
it just is what it is. and i'm not going to be all weepy all the time.
i don't like this change in me.
so to hell with it.
i'm going back to being who i was.
i'm going to be who i want to be and not a result of a badly broken heart.

new set of new year resolutions for 2010:

1) live like you've never known death
2) love like you've never had it snatched from you
3) breathe
4) accept that death was what came and took away all the life in you. all this while you were wrong; it was death that happened. not life.
5) okay, now go get it back. and to do this, you chose to live;
6) live life the way you want to, live life so that you love it and not end up counting the days she's been gone and they days past till you get there too
7) accept that she is with you and to hell with those who claim elsewise. they don't know.
8) take control of your life again because it is still yours and death cannot rule you
9) take every chance to prove your existence and reverence for life
10) stop telling yourself you're never going to be who you once were. you still are that girl, burried deep down. just dig harder.

2010-02-18T21:43:00.003+08:00

i'm not sure if i can do this.
i'm not sure if i can throw myself back into the rigour of school life and start out fresh and new.
i really don't know what is wrong with me. everything seems to be... lagging in me. like i'm moving through water.
and i keep writing random things that don't fit. they're all scribbles and when i'm not paying attention to what i'm doing. and suddenly i look down at my paper or sms and i see words that i don't even remember thinking.
but it's never going to be a fresh start. it's always going to be cast in shadow now. and i'm going to have to live with that.
be strong, be like vicky austin. chose the light.

2010-02-13T23:41:00.002+08:00

i seem to be wondering a lot about the things i gave up.
yes, it's the "what if" questions
and most of them are the things i gave up because of this, what shall i call it?
problem? no.
inability? not quite.
barrier, chasm, blockage? erm, no.
heartbreak. but no, i don't want to call it that either.

i gave up a possible chance at love, in fear of another heartbreak.
i gave up the freedom of expression in the performing arts, because i no longer wanted to espress the things that bothered me; i just wanted to bottle them up.
i gave up my art - a subject, a form of expression, a past-time and once a joy - when the emotions finally took over and drowned me out of inspiration.
and now i want that all back.
i want to be who i once was,
i want to be what i once was,
i want to be where i once was.
i missed being called those things - a leader, an artist, a confident, out-spoken and proactive member.
but life doesn't knock you down so that you can be bitter and weep. it knocks you down so you can build yourself back up to where it wants you to be; where it needs you to be.
i know that was where i was supposed to be. i just don't know how to get back

2010-02-06T21:30:00.001+08:00

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world

2010-01-31T01:51:00.002+08:00

please don't tell me, it's not worth fighting for.
i just want you to hold me,
tell me it's gonna be okay.

2010-01-31T01:44:00.002+08:00

you can't miss someone you've never known, can you?
i don't think you can love someone so much that it replicates that feeling of missing someone.
so it must have been my 4 year old self, trying to make up for the lost time, those lost moments that were snatched away from us; trying to imagine your reaction when i cried, picturing you holding me up, or at least looking at me and remarking on our similarities, seeing a smile spread out across your face - a face i don't even know.
but you weren't there.
and you weren't smiling
and you weren't even sane enough to see me,
were you?
somehow i don't want to know the answer to that question.
how thick is blood? i ask you.
it is thick enough, thick enough.

30

2009-12-12T14:51:00.002+08:00

i'm just so confused.

now i'm just wallowing. not in self-pity, but in murky water. the memories are like the little particles that swirl about me, and i can't hold on to them, i can't reach out and grab them without disturbing the water even more. yet, they surface and they sink, even those that i thought i had long buried beneath me. now i find myself recalling with such painstaking detail and accuracy the days leading up to her departure.

i shouldn't have read a ring of endless light, troubling a star and then the bell jar in such quick succession. i should have waited for the first two to rightfully sink in, like the always do, before deciding to move on so quickly. those two books mean so much to me. it's frightening. it's almost as though someone borrowed incidents from my life and wove them into a book, before they could even happen.
but the books teach me more than i could possibly have learnt on my own.
yes, there is vanity in a certain sort of kindness. it is the kindness that believes one can heal all hurts. there is vanity as there is naivety. vanity, because you believe that you could possibly be able. and naivety because you think that like all fairy tales, this will have a happy ending. but there is no ending. perhaps, as beneatha from a raisin in the sun would yell in anguish, that it is merely a circle that well all march around in, with our own little mirage of what we call the future. but then again, asagai corrects her by saying it is merely a very long line, as in geometry that reaches into infinity. if that were so, then it would be no better than the circle. for it would never end. and there would never be peace.
i do not believe in circles or lines. i do not believe our universe and our lives can be defined by complex formulae and geometric patterns. but i do believe it is more like nature. like the trees that strive and struggle for survival. in its twists and turns of fate, it will grow, it will flourish, it will thrive and be nourished. but it will also bend and break and it will wither "trees do bend/ though straight and tall/ so must we to others' call" but we will always grow dependent on the sun for life and vigour to face the day. that is why we have God.
"here is the deepest secret nobody knows/ (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud/ and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows/ higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide)/and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart."
but i am still confused. torn between being like beneatha or like vicky.
i shouldn't have read them in december. the month of the anniversary. the first anniversary. i wonder what we will do on that day. i should like to be alone for those days. yes, the silence will do us good.

2009-11-18T18:11:00.002+08:00

sometimes i feel like i'm drifting. and i'm not even sure in what direction.
take the analogy of a boat in a stream. the water now is finally calm. it's not rushing and meandering and pushing and pulling all at the same time anymore. just in one slow but tranquil direction.

but i'm not so close to my faith now. it's not as bad as it sounds; i still go to church every week, say my prayers and stuff. but i don't turn to God for all the good things as well as the bad. when i was grieving it was like i clung on hard, almost like how a little child would to a parent when they don't want to be put down; like a cripple needs a crutch. maybe part of me didn't realise how down i was that's why it seems terrible that i'm not longer talking to God almost 24/7. i used to talk to Him about everything like a best friend butnow it's like i don't always remember him when i'm having such a great time. i'm distracted. urgh. i don't know how to put it into context.

2009-09-23T21:25:00.002+08:00

i can't do this, please, God no.
i can't go through it all over again.
i can't take it, please, i'm begging you
i won't make it through if... things, go bad.
please, Jesus, please

2009-09-20T17:04:00.003+08:00

it's been about ... 3 month since the king of pop's departure from this weary world and i would just like to say

Thank you for the music, michael.
the world will always love and miss you;
and you will always be the King of Pop, Rock & Soul.

May God bless your family in their grief.

2009-07-28T21:32:00.002+08:00

how much can you love a person.
a person you've never met, add that.
how much can you miss someone
a someone you've never known, even
how much can you cry at night
over someone who knows nothing of you
but that you cry,
you weep,
you poor little thing,
for someone you always thought you knew.

Permanent.

2009-06-01T21:14:00.002+08:00

Is this the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry

And everything, it will surely change even if i tell you i won't go away today
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary,
rest your head
I'm permanent

I know she's living in hell every single day
And so i ask oh god is there some way for me to take her place
And when they say it's all touch and go i wish i could make it go away
But still you say
Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary,
rest your head
I'm permanent
I'm permanent

Is the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry

2009-05-10T01:57:00.002+08:00

i don't know why
i still get these sporadic panic attacks where i just cry and freak out over the accident.
even though the 3 of them are fine, out of hospital, back to their normal lives,
i still freak out. it's like some really delayed reaction.
just the thought of almost losing her too, i could have lost her
but i didn't right?
i guess God figured it would have been too much to lose 2 people in a month.
cause 5 months down the lane i'd still be hung up and crying over losing just one.
i hate this.

2009-02-28T23:50:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder why everything happens to me
i know that's not really the case
but it feels like it.
how could two months of my life be so screwed up?
if God thinks i can handle it, then fine.
but what if i can't?
what if God thinks too highly of me and i disappoint Him?
i know He'd still love me the same
but i don't want to be a constant failure to God.
but at least i know one thing i'm good at now -
taking care of people.
it's honestly not that bad.
what i'd give to have her back so i could take care of her again.

2008-12-13T02:15:00.000+08:00

urgh,
i want to like you
but in this situation, it's nearly impossible
cause i know that i'll never be able to commit
i can't give you the time you give me
and that's not fair.
faithfulness is another thing altogether isn't it.
i think i'd fail on that part too.
sorry

2008-12-13T01:23:00.002+08:00

i suddenly feel just, really sad.
i don't know what the hell i'm trying to do
but i know i'm gonna pull through this cause i have God.
it's just so hard
but God would never throw me anything i can't handle
but of all things?
i feel like just prattling on about all the tragedies that have happened this year
but it would be so disgusting and self-absorbed.
i just hate this, all the silence.
i want to get over it but it's not the kind of thing you talk about.
i hate cancer. i just hate it so much cause it makes everyone's life so damn miserable.
like life on it's own isn't hard enough.
but i can't lose faith. God's here for me,

i remember feeling low
i remember losing hope
i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

one day you'll have to let it go
and stand up on your own

i'm not sure where i stand now.

Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

if this is the onset of depression it had better be quick cause i don't have much time left.
3-6 months. it's already reaching 2 and a half.
when faced with this situation, what do you pray for?
i guess this is why i still can't pray properly. my mind doesn't know what to pray for exactly.
so i just keep telling Jesus i love him. but i know it's not enough, for me at least.
i'm just so confused!
i really don't want to think about it.
and this is why i cannot be involved.
i don't want them being involved in this.
i think it'd be a lot easier for everyone.

2008-08-03T00:52:00.002+08:00

back up, back up.
take another chance
don't you mess up, mess up
i don't wanna lose you
this ain't just a thing that you
give up, give up

hey, don't leave me.
i'm just really lost now.
everyone's leaving.
and it's just completely shattered my of this 'family'
that it's not perfect anymore
i always thought that we'd all stick it out to the end
you know, just keep holding on.
but first it was her leaving last year,
then she left too
and now you're leaving?
no, now you've left already.
it's not fair.
i want you to come back.
please come back, come back to me.
you didn't even tell me.
i had to find out through someone else.
and i didn't even want to believe it.
cause you made me feel like i wasn't alone
and that i wasn't going to be alone when the results came out.
but then you didn't show up
and i should have figured.
something was wrong.
do you know how terrible i feel everytime you don't show up?
i get so worried.
i cried on friday quite a few times.
and my heart's still breaking.
it's not going to be okay.

2008-07-29T21:50:00.002+08:00

this sucks
it really does
cause my heart's breaking
and the worst part is finding it empty
i don't blame anyone.
it was really all my fault
but why?
why am i not good enough?
what did i do wrong for goodness sake?
i meant all those things i said.
i meant them from the heart.
but why couldn't they believe me?
isn't wasn't just some crapped up model answer that everyone else gave
i wrote all that from my heart.
and that's one of the worst bits.
holding so much meaning to something that just crumbles once it's in your reach.
why Jesus, why?
what did i do?
i know you love me Lord,
i know you love me,
i know you love me
i know you love me with all your heart!
i know!
but i can't do this right now.
i can't come to terms with my own shortcomings
i can't understand why
no, i just, i don't know damnit i don't know anymore
this isn't how it used to be
i can't see how to get it back to all that.
oh God,
what am i doing here?

need to lose weight. drastically

2008-01-12T10:59:00.000+08:00

i need to lose weight.
i hate my weight.
how on earth did i gain 4kg in 2 months?
oh damn.
this has to be a bad dream.
i'm so desperate right now.
i want to go back to being bordeline underweight.
not acceptable.
i want to lose weight
yet i keep gainning.
this is what happens when you get complacent.

2007-12-28T16:37:00.001+08:00

im giving up again.
yes again.
there will be a next time.
i don't learn from my mistakes.
that is why i am a fool.

but that is only part of the reason why i am a fool.

i'm gonna move on.
don't know why i wanted to write that.
i just got so bored with time and imagination.

this will now be solely for ranting my frustrations.

i don't know what i want to rant about.
everything i guess.
but which one first?
i'm beginning to feel apprehensive about pouring my heart out onto a blog.
after reading harry potter for the millionth time
and about ginny and riddle's diary.
yes, i guess i am foolish.

introduction

2007-12-01T11:02:00.000+08:00

i know i can't possibly be a good writer. but as humans, i trust that we all have this need to rant. and my soul purpose of setting up this blog is to get all these confused thoughts and ideas sorted out and out of my head. so here we go!